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{couldn’t quite find a photo that captured this sentiment}

so much to think about.

stress. depression. angst. worry. insecurity. all of them are so intertwined that i don’t even know where to begin to fix myself.

“there have been lots of changes” people tell me.

“you’re still beautiful” they say.

when i walk past a reflection i feel a flash of pain as i remember that i am no longer the limber lean person i was only a few years ago.

every morning i awake to a burst of worry and stress as i consider if i made the right decision in bringing my husband to this new (yet familiar) city for my selfish reasons – school and family.

i wonder if we’ll succeed over time in establishing a life – any life at all – or rely on my frugality at the supermarket, constantly worrying about the next check, the next deposit.

and through all this, i wonder if i’ve lost my ability to relax. my ability to let loose and hang out and just be has never been a strong suit. i’ve always been a workhorse obsessing about the next goal, the next step.

now i feel as though i’ve lost the ability to enjoy life altogether. sure, i have moments. spurts of life that fill the voids. but i can’t see how to relax. i can’t feel worry-free. i want to live my life and enjoy it.

i’m not sure how to get it back.